AIR at Home: Implementing the Concepts

April 07, 2021

The first episodes of On AIR with Elk River, Penny Baker, LPC-S, shared the concept of AIR as a treatment philosophy at Elk River Treatment Program for adolescents. The value system of Accountability, Integrity and Responsibility is essential for the character development of our young clients and their families. After listening to the first few episodes, we received feedback from parents of teens who asked, "How do we implement the concepts of AIR at home?"

Selina
Hello and welcome to On Air with Elk River Treatment Program for Teens, the residential program of Pinnacle Behavioral Health. I'm Selina Mason, the Director of Marketing and Outreach. Today, we welcome back Penny Baker, who is a Licensed Counselor and Director of Clinical Services for the programs at Pinnacle Behavioral Health. Hey, Penny.

Penny
Hi, Selina.

Selina
Glad to have you back.

Penny
Well, thank you for having me.

Selina
What do you have for us today?

Penny
Well, we've been talking the last few episodes about the development of a value system for individuals and families and character development, and talked a lot about the focus that we use at Elk River of the concepts of accountability, integrity, and responsibility, and we just refer to it as AIR. That AIR is important for all of us.

So, one of the things, as we've talked about these concepts over the last few episodes that has come up from parents and other listeners are questions about how exactly can you implement the concepts of AIR, accountability, integrity, and responsibility, at home with your family and with your kids instead of having to wait until you're at a treatment program to start focusing on those character development pieces?

Selina
Yeah, that would be really nice to learn something and implement it at home and not have to resort to the residential program unless you have to.

Penny
Absolutely. We're all about as much prevention as we possibly can do to help families and help kids before an issue or a problem might develop, or even if an issue or problem does develop that you're already armed with some good resources and foundation to build off of. So, we've got some great questions about this. So, we just figured we would talk today a little bit about how to implement at home.

Selina
Well, fire away, I'm really interested.

Penny
Well, we're going to start out with accountability and what that might look like to begin to teach accountability in your family and to your kids. Teaching accountability really can start off at a very young age. If you think about the definition of accountability, of being accountable for yourself, being accountable for someone else, that if you say you're going to do something you follow through with it, you know what to expect. And that really is developed in a family and with kids, first with structure. You have a set schedule for your kids, and that's a set from a very young age, all the way through teenage ages of knowing what's going to happen when, what is your curfew? How does that develop as you get older?

Selina
Now kids do like routine and schedule. They may say they don't like it, but from my experience, kids like routine.

Penny
Absolutely. And it's about the basic foundation of a kid feeling safe is what's necessary for character development to grow and for self-esteem to grow is that basic foundation of safety. And that really does come with providing accountability. If kids know what the rules are, they know what the schedules are and you hold them to those expectations. If, as a parent, you set reasonable goals and expectations for your family and you follow through with it, that's going to build a sense of safety.

Now in saying that, not trying to convince anyone whatsoever, that especially when you get to teenagers and even some of your younger kids, they're going to act like they do not like structure, that they do not like the rules and they're going to push back. They're supposed to push back. Part of that is their natural response to trying to test boundaries to see if you, as the adult, are going to be the safe, dependable person that even when they test boundaries, you're still going to stick to those boundaries.

To give some examples of this, I'm going to focus on... Because it came up in some conversations with some families of common mistakes when it comes to accountability. A very basic one would be, if you tell your kid, "If you do this, here's the consequence you're going to have." And your kid does that and you don't hold them accountable and follow through with what you've said and give them that consequence, one, you're damaging the sense of safety that that kid has.

Selina
I don't think people think that way though. It makes sense, but I don't, as a parent, I don't think I ever thought about safety when it comes to accountability.

Penny
Well, safety, the accountability piece is you're setting that boundary for your kids. You're setting that structure where they know if I get close to crossing the line, that's not a good line for me to cross, I have a trusted adult who's going to help guide me to bring me back. So again, this isn't something they're going to tell you that they love. But as a parent, it's very important because that does provide a sense of safety even if they act like they don't like it. It also empowers you as a parent, because if you give a consequence and follow through with that consequence, you're teaching your kid that you can depend on what I say and what I say I'm going to follow through with.

If you don't follow through with it and I've had plenty of families who their kid broke curfew and the consequence was they lose their cell phone and they tell their kid, "You don't have your cell phone for a week." And about two days in, their kid comes to them, it's like, "But I've been so good the last two days, can I have it back?" And the parent gives that cell phone back without having that kid follow through with that expectation means you're not holding them accountable to what the standard is. And you're teaching them that the rules don't apply. And if the rules don't apply in your home, how can you expect for them to hold themselves accountable or even be respectful when someone holds them accountable when they break a rule outside of the home?

Selina
We see that in adults, the rules just don't apply to them. I'm assuming their parents probably brought them up that way.

Penny
Right. Absolutely. You don't learn that in a vacuum. There has to be some experience where you've determined that, if someone tells me something that that's not really what they mean, or they're really not going to follow through with that because a kid also will learn, whether it's a young kid or an adolescent, if I give you a consequence and I don't follow through with it, at that moment, that kid may think, "Oh, I got away with that." But they're also learning that, can I truly depend that they're going to do what they say in other things? So, you have to always keep that in mind that that accountability is so important.

Setting expectations for your kid is very important, making sure it's very clear what the house rules are, what the expectations are. If you have an expectation that the family sits down at dinner, follow through with that expectation. If you have an expectation in the home of when you're having, maybe you've decided as a family to do a family meeting every night before everyone goes to bed, just to check in. If the family rule is no one has a cell phone, part of that accountability piece is that means as the grownup, you don't need to have a cell phone out either. You need to respect that time with the family.

So, accountability is setting your rules and expectations for the family, but following through with it. And that really leads in right into integrity because you have to teach your kids “what I say is what I mean.” So you have to be careful, again, I'm going to talk a little bit about consequences, because I've seen parents do it so many times where maybe their kid is an hour late from their curfew and comes in and the parent says, "You are never leaving this house again."

Selina
I've done that. I'm guilty.

Penny
So again, you have to be careful in the consequences that you're giving and how you're reacting and making sure you're using integrity with that. Are you saying things that are true that you can follow through with? Are you being authentic in what you're doing and what you're saying? Are you making decisions out of anger or are you making decisions out of just being hasty because you're very emotional and you're upset and you feel disrespected by your kid not following through with what they said? So, you're being reactive to it. Instead of authentic to your truth, which is likely, you're scared for your kid, you want the best for your kid and talking to them from that frame of mind versus out of anger. So, using your own integrity of evaluating yourself, but also teaching your kid integrity.

And most of that's going to come from modeling from parents. Parents need to be aware your kids, no matter what the age, are watching everything you do, more so than what you say. So, if a kid comes home from school and they tell you that they got caught for cheating or the teacher calls because they were cheating on a test in school and you want to give them a consequence and their response to you is, "Well, I saw you cheating on that test you had to take for work and you made a joke out of it. So how is this different?"

Selina
Wow. That would be terrible.

Penny
But as parents it happens all the time and we forget about even some minor things that maybe we do.

Selina
Because they are watching.

Penny
They're watching everything we do. And I guarantee you they're filing that away to use as ammunition later when you get on to them. So, the old adages of, “do as I say, not as I do,” does not apply and will get you in a lot of trouble. You really have to come at parenting with integrity of knowing kids are watching. If you want your kid to show integrity and be authentic and honest in what they do and how they behave with other people, you have to be willing to show that and do that yourself. So, if you ask someone to do something, you need to make sure you follow through with it because you're teaching your kid the importance of that.

And again, that goes right along with the responsibility of starting from the very beginning of teaching your kid how to be responsible to themselves, to their family and to the community. And there's so many ways that that can start from very young age. As soon as a kid can have anything to contribute in the family, you need to expect them to contribute. Whether it's they're small enough or the only thing that they could do would be to help you fold clothes and put the washcloths away or the towels away, but something that they are responsible for, the earlier, the better, that they have to do and follow through with, to show that they can be responsible because that's going to be a measurement for you. Can they follow through? And responsibility really is about contributing. They are part of a family. What are they doing to be an active contributor in the family and what the family needs?

And you start off at a young age and then really looking at how do you increase those responsibilities as they get older? Are you developing responsibilities and teaching those responsibilities where, when you have a kid who is 18, 19 goes to college, joins the military, moves out on their own, are they going to be able to be individualized enough where they know how to take care of themselves? That only happens if you give them opportunity to have responsibilities. So, that can be in the home with chores. And I'm a big advocate that everyone in the family should have a piece of something they do in the home to learn responsibility, whether that's feeding a pet, mowing the lawn, doing the laundry, because that's a chance to also learn those life skills that they will need long-term.

Volunteering, I think is wonderful. Every kid should have an opportunity at some point to volunteer in their community. One, that leads to better understanding of your responsibility for the community as a whole, and also teaches you so many valuable lessons and learning to appreciate what you have, especially if you are volunteering something that really gives you a chance to give back. So, then we have a boost of self-esteem. We have an increase in understanding of, if I say something, I have to do it. So, then you get to use accountability, integrity, and responsibility all together in teaching kids the value of giving back to the family, being a part of the family and being a part of the community, on into when they get older, whether it's a responsibility, if they sign up for a sport, they should finish the sport once they sign up for it. If they sign up for a club, they should finish it once they sign up. That's teaching them responsibility.

Even if they have to make some sacrifices or discover it's not something they truly love, you complete the things that you start. When you make a commitment, you finish that commitment because long-term, those are skills and values that are going to be real important in building self-esteem and self-care. And again, just being a healthy member of the community.

Selina
Well, let me ask you a question. Say, as a parent, you do maybe overreact and set some sort of restriction. They broke curfew and you say, no cell phone or whatever like that. And you realize pretty immediately that you've over-corrected. How do you, with some type of integrity, reevaluate that, do you talk to the child and say, "Look, I made a mistake." Or do you just follow through? As painful as it is, do you follow through?

Penny
I think that will depend on the situation. So, I think it really comes back, again with parents, you use the concepts of AIR. One, if you overstepped and you know you overstepped and you gave a consequence that there's just no way you're going to be able to follow through with, hold yourself accountable to your kid and say, "You know what? I made that decision because I was hurt or upset or scared about what you were doing. And we need to discuss what a more appropriate consequence would be."

Penny
So you hold yourself accountable while still maintaining accountability for your kid for whatever an appropriate consequence might be. And that also is showing your integrity that “I can own my stuff. I can own it.” And I can really look at and reevaluate and then still maintain teaching responsibility, that we're all responsible for ourselves. When we make a mistake, we are responsible to have to own that and follow through with it, or either own that mistake and correct it and follow through with it. So again, as a parent, you still use those concepts of AIR, even when we make a mistake. Now, if it is something that you feel like you overreacted just a little bit, but it's something you could follow through with it.

Selina
And it's really difficult for me as a parent.

Penny
You know what? I'm glad …

Selina
It's inconvenient.

Penny
That is the key right there. And that's where it comes to integrity for parents and accountability for parents. If you give a kid a consequence and it's a good consequence and it fits whatever that behavior was, and it's a good teaching moment, and it's a lesson they can learn from following through that consequence. But you discover as a parent, “well, this consequence a little inconvenient for me as a parent.” And you let them off of that consequence because of your inconvenience, then that is a disservice to your kid. And that's when you really have to use that integrity and be responsible as a parent. That even though it's hard, “I have to figure out what's best for my kid in that moment.”

Selina
Follow through.

Penny
Follow through. Absolutely. Do what you say.

Selina
Say what... What is it? Do what you say-

Penny
Say what you do.

Selina
Well, that just really does make sense. And I appreciate you coming back to talk about how we as families can implement AIR, accountability, integrity, and responsibility in our homes. Tell me what you've got going for our next podcast. Do you have something in the bag?

Penny
I think next time, we will talk a little bit more about healthy boundaries in families.

Selina
That's a tough one, actually.

Penny
That may be some information that may be hard to hear for some people, but it's important for good parenting.

Selina
Well, that's what we're here for. Thanks for listening to On Air with Elk River Treatment Program, the residential program of Pinnacle Behavioral Health, where teens learn the value of AIR. To learn more about our residential program for teens, visit elkrivertreatment.com or email [email protected]. We'll see you next time.