Setting Boundaries with Your Teen

June 16, 2021

In this episode of On AIR with Elk River, Penny Baker, LPC-S, asks parents to take a close look at their parenting style and consider how their parenting style might influence their child's behavior. This is by no means an effort to place blame on a parent for their child's maladaptive behavior. We are only asking for parents to consider that their child might not be coping with an unresolved loss that they've experienced. This is why boundaries are so important for children.

Please listen to the podcast or read the transcript below. If you have questions, please contact us at 866-906-TEEN. We are here to help.

Selina
Hello, and welcome to “On Air with Elk River Treatment Program for Teens,” the residential program of Pinnacle Behavioral Health. I'm Selina Mason, the director of marketing and outreach. Today. We welcome back Penny Baker, who is a licensed counselor and director of clinical services for the programs of Pinnacle Behavioral Health. We're so glad you came back to us, Penny.

Penny
Thanks for having me.

Selina
What do you have for us today?

Penny
I thought we would talk a little bit about boundaries with parents. Over the years, seeing kids in about every environment you can think of, from school settings, outpatient counseling, and residential, this is probably the most common issue that comes up in families and with kids. The work that you really have to do to help the families build strength and to help parents be the most effective that they can be, is to take a real honest look at what kind of boundaries you have with your kids.

Selina
Well, I know here at Elk River, in some of the admission calls that we get, parents often say, “I don't know what happened. I don't know what went wrong. I mean, you know, my kid was this way and now they're this way.” And that sounds like maybe they didn't recognize there was an issue with boundaries.

Penny
Part of it. You know, there's a lot of reasons that kids end up having behaviors. And typically that's because they have an unresolved loss that they've experienced that they just don't know how to cope with. Usually, kids are going to find some creative way to avoid feeling pain. So they're going to act out in some way. And what parents usually notice is the acting out, right? More so than that underlying pain that may have been the root cause, or the core issue related to that pain.

When we're working with kids on recognizing a painful event, one of the things that often comes up in addition to whatever experience they have is they often talk about how the relationship with the parents impacted their ability to work through that issue. When I'm talking about addressing (and really looking at) what our boundaries are as parents and how that impacts our kids, I'm not doing that to blame parents for misbehaviors of kids, or to give an excuse to kids for their misbehavior. I want to be very clear on that. I'm bringing up this topic of boundaries as prevention, to really have parents take a close look at their parenting style and look at what styles they have and how those styles may have a long-term impact on their kids' behavior, because if we can catch it early, you can identify it. Then you can make some tweaks in your parenting styles. So what I'm going to go over are a couple of pretty general styles that we've seen over the years have had a major impact on kids and their response to trauma or their response to an adverse event they've experienced, or even, you know, your everyday challenges that kids face, and that families face, in their ability to cope. Often it can be impacted by the types of boundaries that they have with their parents, including the behaviors that they have. So I'm going to give you some basic categories that, as parents, I think are important to really self-assess and decide which category you find yourself in. And we'll talk a little bit about the impact that might have on your kids and ways you can look at self-correcting.

Boundaries Can Be Too Strict

Penny
So the first kind of boundary description that I want to talk about is if (with your boundaries with your kid) you're a ‘too strict’ parent. And when I mean ‘too strict,’ and sometimes that's, you know - every family is a little bit different, based on their family values and the structure they provide, and that individuation with each of the families are important for what's important to you and your belief system. So I don't mean taking that away, but you have to really be careful that when you set your standards and expectations for your kids growing up - that you adjust those expectations based on age and ability and allow as they get older, as they're showing some responsibility, it's important to loosen some of those boundaries where you actually give them an opportunity to grow, give them an opportunity, actually, sometimes to screw up or make mistakes where they can learn from those mistakes.

So sometimes we have parents whose boundaries have been too strict, where the rules were too tight. The kids were too sheltered, so they didn't have an experience to teach, learn how to problem-solve because everything was so controlled in the family, and by the family system, that they never learned how to make a decision on their own. And then they get into adolescence and adulthood, and they don't know how to cope with some certain things because they had to, because the parents controlled everything and took care of everything, or the rules were so strict that they never had a social outlet or were able to experience or make their own mistakes. So that too-strict parent can actually cause some developmental delays in the the child isn’t able to grow and learn from mistakes.

Selina
That boundary would be a too-strict boundary. I'm assuming there's not-strict-enough or too-loose boundary, right?

Penny
Absolutely, and this is when you have a parent that may have no rules at all or very limited rules. Perhaps the kid is not even aware of what the rules are in the family are. There's not a lot of expectations that are given to them, for example, that you go to school or you make your bed, or you make a certain grade or you follow-through, or, you know, “here's your curfew,” or “here are the rules of the house.” So when you have a kid that you're not providing enough structure for, you're going to have some of the opposite issues- where a kid is not going to fare well when they get into school or a job where they have to follow rules and have to follow standards. They're not going to know how to do that because they've never had a limit or a boundary set for them, which is going to cause some major complications for them.

The other thing is that we know that having boundaries for kids, having expectations and set rules and set schedules and structure, that boundary for kids (no matter the age) always provides a sense of safety, no matter how much they push back on it, or they dislike it, it does provide a sense of safety and security because they know what to expect. So when you have boundaries that are too soft with your kid, you run into really affecting their sense of safety. And that can vary along the age-range, especially for younger kids, and especially that can affect the sense of safety. For older kids, you know, you need to keep this in mind as well. A natural part of being a teenager is to push back and push limits. And if you don't have solid boundaries that, again, allow them to make some mistakes (but as a safety net for them if they go too far) then they are at a higher risk of really doing risky things because they will continue to push that boundary until you finally set one. And a lot of times we see kids that really push the boundaries to using drugs, drinking, driving too fast, being sexually promiscuous, because they keep pushing the boundary, and they're going to keep pushing until someone says “stop.” So if the parents don't have a set boundary for that, they're going to keep going. Unfortunately, sometimes that's a criminal justice system, or getting expelled from school. Someone else has to establish that boundary because adolescents are built and made to push boundaries. And if one's not set for them, they're going to keep pushing it.

Healthy Boundaries are Fair, Firm and Consistent

Selina
Well, I would think that having set boundaries would make parenting a little bit easier, in that you don't have to make a decision when you're angry as a parent - if you're angry or you're frightened or upset about something - you already have that set boundary and, you know, the child either crossed it or didn't, so there's praise or restriction, you know, coming their way. I think it would take some of the guesswork out for the parent as well as the child.

Penny
Absolutely. And that's a good way to measure: do you have nice middle-of-the-road boundaries that aren't too soft or too hard, or have you asked yourself: is it fair, firm, and consistent? Those are the key points in really establishing healthy boundaries. And if you have that, it is going to provide a sense of safety. Again, they're not going to act like they like it, but in the long run, that is something that's important to have that sense of safety, of knowing what to expect. And that also allows them to grow and develop really as healthy people and to individualize. As they get older, again, you constantly have to reevaluate at each developmental stage, because the boundaries you set, and what you determined would be “fair, firm, and consistent” for a six-year-old may not be “fair, firm, and consistent” for a 13-year-old, or even then a 16-year-old or an 18-year-old. So you do have to constantly reevaluate that. And you also have to keep in mind the boundaries that you set for your child.

If you have other kids in your family, are you being consistent between your children? Of what those boundaries are? Because it creates chaos in the family when you have different expectations for different kids, or different boundaries for different kids, unless it's related to different ages or different risk levels. There's a little difference there, but if you have a family culture set, and those boundaries set to adapt as they developmentally become more mature, and more responsible and are showing responsibility (you base it on the demonstration of responsibility - how you expand those boundaries over time - it’s going to help your kid really develop long-term into a self-sufficient, well-rounded kid with high self-esteem, because you gave them a safe practice arena as they were getting older.

But there is another. I mentioned earlier, we're going to talk about three styles.

So, you know, it's like the old story about, you know, the “three little bears - this chair's too hard . . ."

Selina
I think that’s Goldilocks.

Penny
Yes! So you may be wondering – we’ve talked about ‘too-loose,’ and we’ve talked about ‘too strict, well, our third one isn't going to be the ‘just-right’ one.

Selina
Oh, I thought it was.

Penny
No, ‘just-right’ is what we just described: that's what we expect. So our three things are focused on where we can really get kind of off-center with our parenting approach. So our third one can get really complicated for kids and very confusing for kids, even sometimes more so than ‘too-strict’ or ‘too-loose’ with your boundaries.

Inconsistent Boundaries

Selina
Can I guess? Because I was going to ask about two different households.

Penny
Yes. But you know what? I'm going to use the word ‘inconsistent boundaries.’ We commonly see that, in divorce situations or if there's two parents that live in two different households, and they have different rules or different expectations / different boundaries, that becomes very confusing for kids. But it's even more complicated – we often see a lot of kids that have inconsistent boundaries even in the same household with two parents. Where, if I go to Mom, I'm going to get this answer, but if I go to the other parent, I'll get this answer. And they're not the same one. And when the parents haven't gotten on the same page about what the expectations and rules in the house, this can create a lot of confusion for a kid because who do you trust?

Selina
Conflict in the whole family.

Penny
Conflict in the whole family, absolutely. Dysfunction in the family is what that will create. But if you have a kid (and especially younger kids) you have more of the sense of “who do I trust?” You know, “how do I gain a sense of safety?” if, especially in the same household Mom says: “This is the truth.” Dad says, “This is the truth.” Well, they can't both be true. Even if I'm a little kid, I know they can't both be true. So someone's not telling me the truth. So as a younger kid, it creates a question: “who do I depend on? Who do I trust?” Which then also really is interpreted by a little kid as “If I can't trust Momma or Daddy, then how do I trust anyone in this world?”

Selina
And that creates a sense of fear, I’m sure.

Penny
Absolutely. You have fear. You'll have self-esteem issues. You can have increased anxiety. You can have all sorts of things that develop over something as basic as two different sets of rules. And even more so with divorced parents. And that can be a whole different podcast that maybe we talk about later. With divorced parents you run into with inconsistent boundaries a lot. If they don't have a real solid co-parenting plan that they're following through with, you will have a kid, especially when they reach adolescence, whether it's in the home or out of the home, they do what we call ‘Mom-and-Pop-ing’. If I know that Momma and Daddy have different value systems, maybe different rules, different expectations, I'm a smart kid and I'm going to go to the parent that's going to get me what I want. It may or may not be what I need or what's healthiest for me, but I'm going to have studied you enough to one figure out: who do I go to, to get what I want? But also as an older teen, I'm going to learn how to manipulate this to my benefit, since I know you guys disagree and you don't have the same boundaries for me, how do I play you two against each other? Because if you two are focused on your conflict and having different boundaries, I can go off and do whatever I want. You're probably not even going to notice that I've done it because you guys are all wrapped up as parents in your own conflict over what the boundaries should be.

Selina
So we need to get on the same page if we’re parents.

Penny
Absolutely. In the house and out of the house, there needs to be a very clear set of boundaries.

Selina
Are you going to write a book so that we can just look through it and check them off?

Penny
You know what? That would be great. And you know, there's ton of books out there on healthy boundaries with parents, and parenting books. And, you know, people can reach out to us if they want to email our info line and we’d be happy to give them some recommendations on some books for that. But one of the things you do have to keep in mind is: be careful in reading too many self-help books where people give you a very specific protocols of specific boundaries you need for your family, because every family is different. And your boundaries that you set for your family are going to be based on your value system and that is going to be based on your particular family culture. And it's important to respect that. So at the same time, it's more about, you know, evaluating: Are my boundaries clear enough that my child knows what to expect and knows what the rules are in our house? As parents are we using integrity to really evaluate, do we have boundaries that are strict enough to provide safety, but do they provide flexibility enough to allow some growth? But also, like I said earlier, are the boundaries “fair firm and consistent” for my child at this specific age, in whatever risks that may be there for that particular kid?

Selina
Thanks Penny. That's a lot to think about. It’s really hard to be a parent. And I don’t think people give parents enough credit about how hard it is to be a parent and how hard the work you have to put into it is.

Penny
Well, one of the most important jobs that anyone has to do is being responsible for the upbringing of another human being. That's a lot.

Selina
Yeah. Well, if people have questions or they want some recommended reading, I'm going to direct you to [email protected] You can send a request by email or you can visit our website at ElkRiverTreatment.com. And we will have a list of recommended reading on our website. Stay tuned for our next podcast, it's coming up soon!

Note: Our therapists at Elk River recommend the following:

• Boundaries with Kids: When to say Yes, When to say No, To Help your Children Gain Control of their Lives by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
• Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie