Instilling Accountability in Adolescents

October 12, 2020

When you finish this podcast, we hope you'll be willing to focus more on AIR, not just the air that you breathe, but the benefits of Accountability, Integrity and Responsibility. When unhealthy behaviors at home become unsafe, thousands of parents have turned to the therapeutic intervention of Elk River Treatment Program for adolescents. Often what the clinical team sees after evaluating an "out of control teenager", are critical components missing from their development: Accountability, Integrity and Responsibility. Today's episode focuses on accountability and how to teach, reinforce and share with families to develop a healthy value system.

What To Do When Your Teenager is Out of Control

Selina
Hello and welcome to “On AIR with Elk River Treatment Program” for adolescents, the residential program of Pinnacle Behavioral Health. I'm Selina Mason, the director of marketing and outreach for the treatment program. Today our guest is Penny Baker, director of clinical services. Penny is here to talk about how AIR relates to family values. Hi Penny.

Penny
Well, hello, Selina. And thank you for having me here today. I guess first I probably should start to explain exactly what we mean when we say, AIR is associated with family values.

Selina
Yeah. AIR is air.

Penny
Well, I am definitely hoping that once we finished with this podcast today, that more of our listeners will be willing to focus more on air, not just the air that they breathe, but the concepts related to it.

Selina
Okay. Well, I'm interested to hear about it.

Penny
One of the things that we have focused on at the Elk River Treatment Program and all of Pinnacle Programs is the character development of young adolescents. And we tried to narrow down what we really see are critical components that have been missing from adolescents and their development, especially if they're struggling, and what they need to focus on and learn. So we've narrowed that down to what we call “AIR,” and AIR stands for Accountability, Integrity, and Responsibility. So all of our programs really focus on the premise that these items need to be taught, reinforced, and taught to families where we can have an increase in healthy value systems.

Selina
So how do you approach the topic of family values without offending families?

Penny
Well, I think first, Selina, let me define what I am talking about, when I'm talking about family values and values in general.

A lot of people have the misconception, and I think that's where there's this fear of approaching family values because a lot of times people are connecting family values with a spiritual belief or a belief system, which very much could be an integral part of family values. Our approach to teaching kids, certain characteristic traits that promote family values, of looking at those as a foundation and regardless of your spiritual belief system, or religious affiliations that focus on family values. Or, if that's not something that is what your family values are based on, these are still components that would fit in any belief system. So in that case, you know, we're not asking families, we're not asking kids to change whatever spiritual or religious belief they have, but to focus more on what character development and those components of character development have to do with developing personal values and values in your family.

Selina
Can you give me an example? Let's just make up a kid named Billy, you know, how would you introduce AIR to Billy when he comes to the campus and he's troubled with depression, or anxiety - maybe bullying, he is the bully, or he has been bullied? I mean, how do you reinforce AIR with Billy?

Penny
Well, one of the things that we do in all of our programs and in our parent trainings and work with our families is it's a step-by-step process, and “AIR” – that phrase that we use – it’s in that order for a specific reason. So, the very first letter is “A” for Accountability, and that's where we start. We don't have an expectation when we're trying to build that value system and those foundations and that character development. We can't rush right into the concepts of integrity and responsibility until we first deal with a concept of accountability.

And when I'm talking about Accountability - and that's accountability for yourself, accountability for other people. So, in Accountability, we're really looking at owning our behaviors. What's getting in the way of us making healthy choices? That’s an accountability for ourselves to evaluate where we are, what's getting in the way of our growth, what's getting in the way of our happiness, what's interfering with our family relationships. And when we're working with kids that come into the program to focus on this character development, we look at the whole family system - because we know for each kid coming through, their chances of success are really going to be based on having a solid value system based on these three characteristics. But for the kid to have that alone is not as successful. If we can work in that family system and work with that family, of how does the entire family promote those characteristics and role model that for their kids, use that in their family interactions, etc.

So, it's accountability in the family. It's accountability as a parent, it's accountability as a kid. So, it's important that we look at it all the way around. So some examples of accountability that I'm talking about - and ideally I would love, you know, for parents that are listening out there that have young kids that are just getting started as parents, or maybe you're about to become a parent - really look at the importance of developing a value system for your family.

What will the standard be for your family?

What are the expectations?

And we're just going over three basic characteristics that we feel are very important, and that we found are missing, commonly, in a lot of the kids that we work for, of Accountability, Integrity, and Responsibility. But there are many other values that are important. You look at that, you set what your family value system is about. But even starting as young kids, as new parents, all the way through adolescence, looking at your parenting style and asking yourself, “Am I holding myself accountable to what my responsibilities are as a parent? “Am I holding myself accountable in knowing when I make a mistake?”

You know, of owning up to it. Because we all make mistakes, Selina. You know, especially as parents, new parents, you know, we make mistakes, right? But being able to have that courage and that personal responsibility to own it, to hold yourself accountable: “Okay. I made a mistake in my parenting. What can I learn from this? How can I do it differently?” Owning that mistake. Because that's going to not only help you learn to be a better parent, you are role-modeling to your kid that it's okay, when you screw up, if you own it recognize your mistake as a family, we will work to problem solve, come up with a better solution, and then that way we can grow as a family together.

Selina
So, as a parent, you're setting the example. You're modeling that accountability piece.

Penny
Absolutely.

Selina
And I'm guessing that if it's a two-parent household, that parents need to be on the same page.

Penny
Absolutely. Ideally, we hope if we have parents who are divorced or who live in two households, you want to have a pretty effective parenting plan. Because part of holding a kid accountable to the family values or the expectations of the home: First, you can't do that if the kid doesn't know what the expectations are. So, to hold them accountable to an expectation, you have to have set, and you have those hard conversations of “these are the expectations for our family.” And if you have two parent homes, ideally, you want to have similar expectations, whether it's school performance or behaviors, or friends, or how you show respect in the family, or just what the day to day rules and expectations and guidelines are - the more parents can have that and be on the same page, the better that child's going to learn accountability, and the better you're able to hold them to that standard.

Because then it gets complicated. It's a little easier when kids are younger and that's when it's best to start establishing these character traits when they're younger, but even with accountability, you know, sometimes maybe that's not established. And then it's really hard when they become adolescents. And you try to establish that concept of accountability, of self-accountability, and accountability as a parent and holding your child accountable for certain rules and expectations in the home. It's really hard as an adolescent because adolescents automatically are in a stage in their life where their brain is built, that they're supposed to push limits and push boundaries and test the waters and push back and kind of that typical adolescent defiance. So, if you wait till then to really promote accountability, it's much more difficult to do that. So, setting expectations for your child, but the other part of accountability as a parent is holding your child accountable to those expectations.

Are you providing, once you have the expectations, are you providing consequences if those expectations aren't met, and are you following through with those consequences?

You know, another part of parental accountability that I see often that comes up with a lot of the kids that we see that end up in treatment, or there's this sense of entitlement that has developed with some of our adolescents today. And we found that some of that comes with sometimes a parent sets an expectation. Their kid does not meet that expectation. And at times we've seen parents who made an excuse for their kid to not meet their potential or we've had parents that would say there would be a consequence for a behavior or for not meeting an expectation. And then they didn't follow through with that consequence or let the kid off early. Well, the kid only learns in that, that “I don't have to be accountable,” that there's not accountability, which really kind of starts to damage in a lot of ways, that character sense that “I need to be accountable to myself and my values, I need to be accountable to my family values; I also need to be accountable to the values of my community that I live in.”

Selina
What do you do as a parent when you've made a boundary too strict, too rigid?

Penny
I think, again, that comes back to the concept of accountability- as a parent, you actually have an opportunity, even in our mistakes as parents, gives us an opportunity, to role-model to our kids, of being able to hold ourselves accountable. And when we do make those mistakes of sitting down with your child and talking through that, explaining what the situation was, maybe you had a situation where your child did something and because of your child's behavior (and a lot of times that happens with parents when a child behaves a certain way) and as a parent, that behavior scares you are you feel hurt by it or feel disrespected by it and then suddenly you respond kind of based on your emotions. And sometimes when we respond immediately on emotions, we respond in haste. And we may give a consequence to that child that is just completely unreasonable or that we can't follow through with it.

Selina
Like, “You're never leaving the house again!”

Penny
Perfect. Absolutely. And, um, I can't imagine any parent that legitimately could pull that off and if they could, they don't need to, right?

Selina
I think they could be arrested for that.

Penny
Probably not, definitely not a good consequence to have. But those things happen. And I think again - perfect opportunity to, once you regroup as a parent and you realize, “Okay, I completely responded out of emotion and didn't let my rational side of my brain kick in to make the best decision for our family that promotes our family values,” is sitting down with your kid and just owning it, holding yourself accountable.

Because you have so many different things you can role model in that one. How to appropriately address your feelings when you're feeling emotional, or heightened emotion and making decisions. You can have that conversation with your kid. You can also sit and negotiate what would be an appropriate consequence for this specific behavior.

"Now, as a parent, you also have an opportunity right then and there to almost assess where your kid is with our own personal accountability. And you can ask them the question, “What do you think an appropriate consequence would be to hold yourself accountable for this behavior?” Based on their response, you may really find out where they are and understanding the concept of accountability and personal accountability, how their behavior not only affects their own personal growth, but how that behavior might have impacted the entire family. Because as a parent you'll know, “What do I need to focus on in helping teach my kid better accountability? What kind of boundaries do I really need to have to make sure I can follow through with giving a consequence that is natural and logical and is something that will teach my kid to have a better decision the next time they're faced with that decision?’ So, it's important for the parent to role model that and have those conversations.

Selina
Well, so often we hear, you know, to solve a problem or a dilemma, you know, “Open communication. Talk to your kids.” That sounds like an opportunity, to actually have communication. I love my parents, but I cannot imagine them admitting that they were wrong about something. You know, I think that would help a child look at their parents in a different way and open up a dialogue. Whereas, you know, if it's just black and white, they're probably not going to be talking.

Penny
I think what you have the opportunity to do as a parent of when you can own your mistakes and correct them and work through that, and problem solve with your kid as a family, you're teaching the kid that it's okay. So, the next time your kid makes a mistake. If they know you're open to discussing mistakes as a family, they're going to be more likely to come to you and say, “You know, I screwed up and I need to walk through this.” Again, you're teaching that accountability. You're teaching that concept by role modeling and by having not just the discussions, because we have found that kids pay much more attention to what we do versus what we say.

Selina
So that's, that's good.

Penny
That’s what they're looking for. Now. A little bit of a warning that I will give to parents when it comes to parental accountability that you really have to soul search on. There are times when I've seen parents that give a consequence to their kid that was needed because they had a behavior that wasn't showing good character, or wasn't really promoting the family value system. And that parent gave an appropriate consequence. But a lot of times, as a parent, when we give a consequence, it's inconvenient as a parent!

Whether they're restricted, or they can't have their cell phone, or they can't use their car. And suddenly the things you have gotten used to them being able to do independently becomes inconvenient for you. Sometimes as parents, we don't hold ourselves accountable to what we need to do for our kid and the sacrifices that sometimes we have to make and that consequence to help teach our child. And we will give in out of our convenience of what's needed as a parent. And we have to be very cautious and hold ourselves accountable to that, that if we do that, we lose that opportunity of teaching the importance of accountability and teaching the importance to our kids that when you commit to do something that you follow through with it. It also impacts, no matter how much your kid may dislike it, it impacts the trust you have with your child, because if you say something that you don't follow through with it, then you're teaching them that the concept of accountability doesn't really apply as part of our family values.

So, accountability is key. That's where we encourage all of our families and all of our programs. We encourage all of our staff and our kids and our families. Initially we focus on accountability and teaching that concept because we have to have that foundation before we can start teaching the concepts of integrity. And that will be something we'll need to save for another podcast.

Selina
Thanks for listening to on air with elk river treatment program, the residential program where teams learn the value of accountability, integrity, and responsibility. Thanks again for listening.